


Cursed

by ksooandwoozi



Category: SEVENTEEN (Band)
Genre: Angst, Hanahaki Disease, M/M, Mentions of Suicide, hansol is a rlly good friend, jeonghan's just mentioned as hoon's brother, major angst, pls dont read if you're sad, trigger warning
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-01
Updated: 2020-12-01
Packaged: 2021-03-09 20:48:30
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,624
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27812542
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ksooandwoozi/pseuds/ksooandwoozi
Summary: "Loving him was the most exquisite form of self-destruction."
Relationships: Kwon Soonyoung | Hoshi/Lee Jihoon | Woozi
Comments: 2
Kudos: 26





	Cursed

**Author's Note:**

> So this was actually a work I submitted my senior year of high school (I'm now a sophomore in college, so my writing has improved a bit haha). It was originally a story using the second-person pov, but I thought it'd be nice to switch it up and have it be a soonhoon story! 
> 
> I do have a second chapter, about the aftermath, but I don't think it fits too well now that it's a soonhoon story. Who knows maybe I'll make a second chapter someday and have an alternate ending ^^

Jihoon’s sleep was so pitiful, tossing and turning making up for the majority of the night, but his dream had been so complete and so real and so consuming that when he finally woke up drenched in sweat and tears, the reality of what was real and what was not hit him full force.

The memories had rushed back- unbidden of course- but he wasn’t able to stop them from coming back to haunt him every time he opened his eyes. The only time Jihoon could ever find solace- the only time he could ever be given a chance to forget- was when he slept. 

Jihoon could ignore the heart-wrenching sadness that seized his entire being and he could ignore the tugs at his heartstrings whenever he had to be reminded of what he was so desperately trying to disregard. And that’s all Jihoon seemed to do lately, as he found that staying wrapped in his sheets with the sole intent to forget was the better alternative than actually getting up and trying to go about his day as if nothing was wrong.

But it seemed as if the dream world was plotting against Jihoon and now, not even his bed provided that comfort that he so fiercely needed. Those asinine memories and thoughts plagued everything now and Jihoon couldn’t help but wonder, would he ever be okay again? 

And the answer to the question was no.

No, Jihoon could never feel okay again because that one thing that haunted him to his very core and that one thing that he couldn’t seem to fucking forget was someone who he was meeting for a trip to the theater to see the latest action movie to come out at noon. They always said to cut out the things that hurt you, but how could Jihoon casually cut his best friend in the entire world out of his life? 

It wasn’t Soonyoung’s fault that he had fallen in love. It wasn’t Soonyoung’s fault that he was currently head over heels for someone that wasn’t Jihoon. It wasn’t Soonyoung’s fault that all his thoughts were consumed with the thought of her, while Jihoon’s were all of Soonyoung. And it certainly wasn’t Soonyoung’s fault that he had never ever looked at Jihoon like the way he looked at her. How could he blame Soonyoung for falling in love? 

That boy was perfect in every aspect, and as someone who had been with Soonyoung his entire life, Jihoon knew it to be true. The two of them had grown up together and a day hadn’t gone by, since Jihoon was around the age of five, where they hadn’t spent at least a portion of the day together. Soonyoung was his rock, his best friend, his everything- and he had no idea how Soonyoung couldn’t even feel just a shred of what Jihoon felt for him, and that’s what contracting the disease told him.

It told Jihoon that his love was one-sided, unrequited, and utterly fated not to happen. It was the most mocking of any disease, because you never got better- only worse. Not unless that person returned his feelings or you stopped loving them, which was easier said than done. 

The disease also came with a couple of quirks. It was what had confined Jihoon to his bed for the past week. The small pink petals that had started in his lungs, had changed to full blown roses with thorns that tore up Jihoon’s throat as he threw them up. The flowers took up much more space in his lungs and esophagus than the normal petals did which caused full- blown coughing attacks. Jihoon would have to struggle to suck in air after one of his attacks, as well as make sure no one saw the small collection of petals and flowers that would just appear at his feet. 

None of his friends or family knew, not Soonyoung, not his mom or brother, not even Jihoon’s other really good friend Hansol. Jhoon preferred to keep it that way. It was the sole reason why he had tried to separate himself from Soonyoung for the past week. 

Although Jihoon had conflicting thoughts about whether to cancel or not, as he wasn’t sure if he was ready to face Soonyoung, he ultimately decided to muster up the courage to get himself ready. Jihoon was seriously considering the idea of having his brother, Jeonghan, answer the door instead of him, to cancel for an excuse of Jihoon still being sick. Sure enough when the big grandfather clock in his rather spacious foyer chimed to signal it was five, Jeonghan called up the stairs to say that Soonyoung was there. 

Jihoon composed himself one final time before descending the staircase, tension in every line of his body as he was met with the one person that was oblivious of Jihoon’s torment, even if he didn’t know it himself. 

“Hey, Soonyoung,” Jihoon says, voice a tone higher and tight, an indicator that he was about to start lying through his teeth. Jihoon’s heart lurches at the sight of Soonyoung, and he forces himself to swallow the tickle in his throat that signaled the oncoming of the petals. He didn’t want Soonyoung to think that there was anything wrong, so Jihoon hoped he looked convincing, he really did, because he certainly didn’t sound it. 

“Jihoonie, hey! I haven’t seen you in forever! I’ve missed you,” Soonyoung replies, the biggest and brightest grin on his face as he moves in for a hug. Jihoon stiffens immediately once Soonyoung’s arms are around him and just as Jihoon is about to snap out of it and hug Soonyoung back, his feelings be damned, Jihoon’s hit with his scent- lemongrass and sandalwood. The smell is so powerful and so comforting and so him, that he’s forced to take a step back and duck out of his grasp, apologies and excuses flying from Jihoon's lips at a mile a minute. 

“I’m so sorry Soonyoung. I just felt really sick for a second there, and now I’m starting to feel a little dizzy too. Do you mind if I skip out on today? I don’t think I’m quite over this sickness yet.” The lie is spilling from Jihoon's lips and his inability to deceive seems to be working in his favor for once as Soonyoung takes the sudden clammy skin and sweat as a sign that he is truly feeling sick again. 

Soonyoung nods quickly, and tries to help Jihoon back up to his room, but Jihoon bats his hands away blaming the sudden behavior on the fact that he didn’t want Soonyoung to get sick too. Jihoon mumbles a quick goodbye before hobbling up the stairs as hastily as possible, not even staying to hear Soonyoung whisper a barely audible “wait.” 

Moments later, Jihoon’s standing in front of his vanity with his mirror poised in front, shrugging off the clothes he had begrudgingly put on in preparation for their planned evening. 

What a coward Jihoon was. He couldn’t even survive one night out with Soonyoung. But then as the tickle that he had so desperately tried to push down earlier resurfaces, and the familiar taste of metal floods his mouth, Jihoon is hit with the fact that maybe he had just been looking out for himself.  
\---- 

Jihoon really couldn’t believe his friend Hansol sometimes. The boy didn’t seem to know what a phone was, or that it was common courtesy to let his friends know he was coming over before he actually did. 

So now here he was, drinking coffee, and Jihoon had to admit that catching up with his other best friend was turning out to be a pleasant concept. In Jihoon’s week and a half of solitude he had come to miss the bronze haired-boy that he usually shared a good chunk of his time with. 

The only downside was that Hansol was still blissfully unaware of the fact that flowers seemed to clog Jihoon’s lungs and throat on a daily basis now, which was another wonderful sign of the disease getting worse. On top of that, the attacks were also getting harder to keep at bay, and he often struggled to make it to the bathroom or to his bedroom on time. Jihoon often had to clear his room of all the blossoms regularly because of the accumulation. 

As Jihoon takes another sip of his tea, listening to Hansol energetically talk about the party he had heard Jeonghan was throwing later on in the week, Jihoon started to feel the familiar itch in his throat. Coughing on the liquid, Jihoon makes an effort at standing up to escape to the bathroom or just another room at least, but it’s to no avail. 

“Oh shi-” Jihoon is barely able to utter those words before the mass of flowers and petals are spewing from his lips to land on the floor right next to his feet. His mouth fills with the taste of blood; metallic and bitter, and then Jihoon is spitting that onto the floor too, not even caring that he would probably have to be the one to clean it up later. Jihoon's only thought right now was to get as much air into his lungs as possible; taking big, huge gulps, as if he was starved for the substance. Tears leak at the corner of his eyes, collecting in pools, before trailing down his cheeks and Jihoon wipes them away messily. 

“Holy fuck Jihoon.” Hansol’s now running over to him, placing a comforting hand on the small of Jihoon’s back and once the last of the petals and beads of blood are ejected from his mouth, starts to rub soothing circles along the plane of skin. Jihoon had to give Hansol credit as he sat next to him silently, because this man’s mouth was usually running a mile a minute. He seemed to know that Jihoon needed the quiet right now and once he started to shake with uncontrolled sobs, Hansol simply gathered him up in his arms and stroked his hair with gentle and soft fingers.

It took Jihoon twenty minutes to stop crying, as he had months of pent up emotion and turmoil coursing through his body, and Hansol stayed with him the entire time, mumbling words of amenity and love. 

Hansol was being his pillar of strength and comfort and Jihoon appreciated how he had seemed to take it all in stride, not even questioning him about the disease or asking if he was okay, because he most certainly was not. By now Jihoon's just hiccuping, the tears having stopped because there was simply no water left in his system for his body to let out. Hansol stays, though, his hand never leaving Jihoon’s head, never ceasing the continuous cycle of his hand caressing the length of his hair.

After a couple more moments of silence, to which Jihoon had finally calmed himself down enough to actually hold a conversation, his hand finally halted its movement.

“It’s Soonyoung, isn’t it Jihoon?” Hansol’s voice is scarcely audible, but Jihoon hears him all the same. The color immediately drains from Jihoon’s face and he turns his head from where it was resting on his shoulder to face him incredously. 

“W-what? How did you know Hansol?” 

“Sofia had it, my sister. She had it and she was in so much pain and he was her friend’s brother but he had a fiance and she was just broken. So, she moved out of the country to try and forget about him, and it took a lot of time, but she finally did it. She doesn’t have the disease anymore, since she doesn’t love him the way she used to. You have the same look she did whenever she looked at him. And it’s the look you give Soonyoung whenever you see him.” Hansol concludes, resuming the stroking of Jihoon’s hair, while he stays silent trying to absorb this new information. 

“I’m sorry I never asked if you were okay. You’re naturally a really private person, just like Sofia, and when I asked her about it she flipped out and only said I was making things worse by reminding her. So I’m sorry if you think I’m an awful person for not reaching out to you Jihoon.” 

Jihoon reaches out to intertwine his fingers with the hand that Hansol doesn’t have in his hair, squeezing it once they’re fully interlocked. 

“It’s okay Hansol. I probably would’ve reacted the same way Sofia did, because I only just realized myself how in love with him I am. Thank you for being here for me now though. I love you a lot, and I’m so glad that you’re one of my best friends.” Jihoon mumbles into his lap, not feeling better enough yet to raise his head. 

He squeezes his hand back, “I love you too, Jihoon and I hope you’ll always know that.”

Hansol stays with him the rest of the day and Jihoon actually feels okay for one of the first times since he contracted the disease. He feels comfort in Hansol’s presence and Jihoon's able to forget about Soonyoung for an hour or two.

But the petals came back as they always did. 

\-------

Jihoon should’ve known that Soonyoung would be at the party Jeonghan was throwing for some stupid reason. It was inevitable, seeing as Jihoon’s brother knew that they were friends and also for the fact that their families were friends. Jihoon hadn’t seen Soonyoung since the day that he had lied and said he was still sick, and that had been two weeks ago. 

He had tried to get out of the party, he really had, but Jeonghan had begged and begged and begged, and Jihoon finally found himself surrendering, mostly for the fact that he figured he could spend the night with Hansol. Maybe Jihoon wouldn’t even see Soonyoung. 

Not even five minutes into him being downstairs and mingling with all the guests and there Soonyoung is, in all his glory, decked out in a suit and tie, looking crisp and gorgeous with his hair tossed to the side. Soonyoung spots Jihoon almost immediately and practically dashes over to him, a wide grin etched on his features as he looks Jihoon up and down, taking in his presence. Soonyoung’s eyes are crinkling as they did when he was beyond ecstatic, turning up into their signature 10:10 shape. 

“Jihoonie! I thought I was going to forget what you looked like.” Soonyoung jokes, going to wrap Jihoon up into a hug and he freezes, not hugging him back. Soonyoung doesn’t seem to register this as he pulls away without questioning him and Jihoon breathes a sigh of relief, but then Soonyoung’s looking over his shoulder. Soonyoung’s lips are curling up into a smile, and Jihoon swears that it’s the happiest he’d ever seen him as it’s literally shooting beams of light across the room. 

“Oh! I nearly forgot! I invited my girlfriend! I was hoping that you and her could spend some time together? Maybe you could become friends? I mean my two favorite people in the whole world have to get along-” Jihoon drowns out the rest of what Soonyoung’s saying as there’s no way he could take anymore of it. 

Soonyoung’s girlfriend. 

He wanted Jihoon to be friends with her. 

They come without warning this time, no tickle in the back of his throat, no sudden urge to start taking big gulps of air, and Jihoon has to rush past the crowd of guests gathered in the center of the room, not even apologizing as he shoved and forced people out of his path.

Hansol reaches out a concerned hand to brush up against Jihoon’s shoulder, but he pushes past him without a second glance. He needed to get to his bedroom as soon as possible so as to not expose the secret that was slowly becoming harder and harder to hide. Once safely inside, he barely made it three feet into his room before Jihoon's heaving, the thorns from the pale pink roses tearing the skin of his throat. The flowers fall from his lips in multitudes and Jihoon's struck with the thought that there are more here on the floor than there have ever been before.  
That meant that Soonyoung was happy- happy with someone that wasn’t him.

He was in love. In fucking love with this girl that had just appeared in his life a month ago whereas Jihoon had been there for Soonyoung his entire life.

And that’s what hurt the most of all; that constant dull ache that tormented his heart, wrapping and sinking its claws to successfully destroy and tear it apart. The whole process of hurling up the flowers wasn’t that painful as it had happened countless times before this; Jihoon was so used to the sharp sting, so used to feeling that post numbness that he now craved it as if it was a drug and he was an addict. 

Maybe that was the beauty of the Hanahaki disease. The pain was there to divert his attention from the real pain that was within. It served as the best distraction because if the physical pain was perpetual then maybe the emotional pain wouldn’t feel as awful.

Then there’s a voice at the door and Jihoon’s whole world comes crashing down. 

“Oh my god Jihoon. You have Hanahaki?” Soonyoung states quietly with a hint of incredulity.  
Jihoon whips around to face him, eyes wide, wondering how he was going to take this. 

Soonyoung lowers himself to his knees to trace his fingers over the delicate, blood-splattered flowers. It’s such a contrast. This tall, beautiful boy surrounded by these elegant and fragile roses splattered with blood. There was so much beauty in this room and that was all ruined by the spots of the rust colored liquid showing just how much pain Jihoon had been going through. It shattered the whole illusory that the entire scene was something opulent. Soonyoung picks up one of the flowers and turns to Jihoon, his eyes carrying melancholy in their depths.

“Who is it?” Soonyoung asks, the sadness turning to this fire, this fierce anger that seems to course through his frame.

“Who is making you feel like this Jihoon? Because I swear I’ll try my hardest to make sure they see how beautiful and how wonderful you are. I don’t think there’s a person on this planet that couldn’t see you like that, and I know, I mean I’ve been your best friend for seventeen years Jihoon.” Soonyoung ends his mini tangent and returns his gaze to the floor, eyes dancing across the expanse of flowers that had collected there. 

When he hears no answer from Jihoon, he turns to face him again, this time standing up and walking over to where Jihoon was stiffly standing. “Come on Jihoonie I’m your best friend. You can tell me anything.”

And there it was. That word that haunted Jihoon every hour of every day and night, because it was the one thing that kept him from being seen by Soonyoung in a different light. Add that to the sweetly crooned nickname that only Soonyoung used, Jihoon was done with keeping everything in. 

“It’s you Soonyoung!” Jihoon screams out, throwing his hands up into the air due to his annoyance and anger. “Why the hell haven’t you been able to see that? You always talk as if you’re so good at reading people and yet you weren’t able to tell that not only did your best friend have Hanahaki, but that he was also indisputably and irrefutably in love with you? How could you be so dense?” 

Soonyoung looks at Jihoon in shock, reeling back a couple steps as he seemingly tries to process what has just been said by him. 

Jihoon chooses not to meet his eyes and instead looks down to where a path of crushed pink roses lay from where they had gotten trampled and crushed underneath Soonyoung’s shoes after his hasty retreat from him. 

“Are you serious Jihoon?” Soonyoung’s soft voice makes him perk his head up and Jihoon looks into his eyes although Soonyoung’s not even looking at him. He had his thinking face on, scrunched up eyebrows and an unfocused look in his eyes, and Jihoon realized that he was still trying to make sense of the fact that his best friend was in love with him. 

“Have I ever lied to you Soonyoung?” 

“No. Never.” 

“Then that’s your answer.”  
Jihoon crosses his arms over his chest, already tired of this game Soonyoung was playing. He had the proof right in front of him, and it frankly sort of hurt that he was trying so hard to fathom the possibility of the two of them together. 

“Did I ever have a chance?” Jihoon finds himself asking, his mouth moving without his consent. Soonyoung’s eyes find his once the final word is uttered and the look in the irises is one of conflict and perplexity. He opens his mouth to speak and then closes it again, looking like he is fighting an inner battle right now, something Jihoon had been doing for months.

“I-I don’t really know Jihoon.” Soonyoung admits, avoiding his gaze. “I think the only love I could feel for you is friendship. I’ve been with you since we were small, and the relationship we have now is perfect… why change that? Only for us a year or two in the future to realize that we were never right for each other and that we were always better off as friends? Why risk what we have now?” Soonyoung trails off in that moment, flicking his eyes away from where Jihoon's just standing there rigidly. 

“And besides Jihoon you know I’m in love. I thought you were my number one supporter, I thought you liked her. And then you go and drop this bombshell on me and I truthfully don’t know what to do. I love you to death, but that’s just as a friend and I hate that you’re going through all this for me. The disease- it’s supposed to hurt a lot right? I mean there’s all this blood on the floor and it’s- it’s because of the thorns, isn't it?” Soonyoung holds up a hand and Jihoon sees that he still has one of the flowers clutched between his slender fingers. 

“It’s because they’re roses. I’m so sorry. They’re my favorite flower and that’s probably why they’re the ones you're throwing up. I never meant for this to happen. Why me Jihoon? Why me? There’s literally so many other people out there that would be perfect for you. Why me?” Soonyoung stops and looks at you again and you notice that his pupils are wet, and then Jihoon’s heart is breaking all over again. Jihoon had just made him cry and Soonyoung never cries. 

Why had Jihoon told him? Why? How could Jihoon have been so selfish? Why couldn’t he had just kept it in? 

“I-I’m really sorry Jihoon but I can’t. I don’t feel the same way. I can’t, I just can’t. Please, you have to understand. It’s always been her.” 

And there it was. The final blow. 

Jihoon didn’t think there was any more damage his heart could take, but once Soonyoung had spoken those words, it felt as if his whole world had just come to a standstill. It felt as if Soonyoung had taken a giant hammer and smashed Jihoon’s heart into a billion pieces, letting it shatter and break without even a second glance. Tears make their way down his cheeks in little waterfalls as he slowly takes in everything his best friend had just said. 

“Y-you want to know something, Soonyoung?” Jihoon manages to stutter out, voice choked up with emotion.

Soonyoung raises his head up to look at Jihoon, and he notices the tear tracks etched on his face, eyes still glassy with the oncoming wave that were sure to come. 

“It’s always been you.” The ending comes out as a whimper and then Jihoon's running, completely missing the look of hurt that flashes across Soonyoung’s face. He sprints down the stairs, not stopping when he hears the call of his name from his brother and not stopping when Hansol once again reaches out a hand to try and catch Jihoon from escaping, his mouth opening to say something. Jihoon simply dodges him, not even stopping to listen and slams open the front door before taking off again. 

The world around Jihoon is a blur, rain coming down and pelting his skin as he sprints down the street, his breaths coming out in short gasps as the petals try to force themselves out of his lungs and throat. He staggers and dashes over to the edge of the sidewalk, coughing up blood and roses and petals in a massive heap, having to brace his hands on his knees to keep himself upright. They just keep coming and coming and Jihoon feels so bad about the mess he’s making in this poor person’s front yard- they didn’t deserve to have to suffer along with him.

Letting out a groan as the last rose comes up, he collapses onto the ground, now slightly worried that he no longer feels the pain of the thorns tearing and slicing up the delicate skin of his throat. 

Wasn’t Jihoon supposed to feel the pain? Wasn’t that the whole point of this fucking disease? Why wasn’t Jihoon feeling the mind numbing agony that came along with the roses and thorns? Why wasn’t he feeling that pain that he so desperately craved? Jihoon needed it, especially now, seeing since Soonyoung had just rejected him.

Jihoon had known it was bound to happen, but hearing the words fall from Soonyoung’s lips directly, had taken his already damaged heart and had completely destroyed it. This had to be the worst feeling in the entire world, because how could Jihoon go on living with the knowledge that Soonyoung would never ever love him? 

He had held onto that shred of hope for so long; that maybe one of these days Soonyoung would see him in a different light. That maybe one of these days Soonyoung would look at him the way Jihoon looked at him, as if he held the world in the palm of his hands.

That’s what he was to Jihoon at least. Soonyoung was everything to him, and now he wasn’t, at least anymore. Soonyoung wanted nothing to do with Jihoon’s love, and by extension wanted nothing to do with him. Now that Soonyoung knew that this wasn’t just an infatuation; it was a full-blown deep yearning for everything about him, and how could he accept that when he had someone of his own to adore and cherish?

Jihoon releases a frustrated cry, the sound hollow and forlorn, before he unsteadily rises to his feet. The rain has completely drenched his clothes and has seeped underneath to his skin, but he can’t find it in himself to care for the cold that was now racking his body. He’d worry about hypothermia and pneumonia later as right now he was on a mission. Jihoon had to get to the cliff, he had to. It was the last connection he had to Soonyoung, the last place where Jihoon could love him without feeling the repercussions or worry about how he felt. 

The cliff was the one special place that Jihoon had with Soonyoung; the two of them would always go there during the summer when they weren’t going to school or working at one of their part-time jobs. 

It was the one place that was sacred to the both of them; that one place where they could be together and forget all their troubles and responsibilities. It was also the place where Jihoon had realized he was starting to fall in love with Soonyoung. 

He had fallen in love with the way Soonyoung smiled, all teeth and bunched up cheeks. Every light in existence diminished next to that wonderful curl of lips. He had fallen in love with the way Soonyoung laughed, eyes crinkling and turning into little half-moons. The fact that he often doubled over and braced his hands on his knees if something was particularly funny. He had fallen in love with him. 

In the end it didn’t crack down to his laugh or smile or eyes. 

It was just him. 

Just Soonyoung.

He had fallen in love with everything. 

It was Soonyoung’s personality, his care for his friends and family, his love of animals, his humor. He had even fallen for his flaws; that one scar that was right underneath his collarbone, the way he wasn’t good at expressing emotions, and the way that once he thought he was right, there was absolutely no changing his mind, even if someone had scientific proof. 

Every thought consisted of him and every memory Jihoon had somehow was connected to him. There was no escaping Kwon Soonyoung, and that’s how Jihoon knew that this love for him and this yearning for him to love him back were never going to go away. 

Once Jihoon gets to the cliff is when he finally allows himself to take a breather. Jihoon's kind of surprised that more flowers haven’t forced themselves out of his throat, but doesn’t allow himself to dwell on those thoughts. Jihoon didn’t really feel the pain anymore so it wasn’t that helpful in deterring his thoughts from Soonyoung any longer. 

Through the downpour of rain, it’s kind of difficult to see the moon clearly, but Jihoon can see the faint outline of it, blurry, but shiny and a pang of hurt reverberates through his heart. Coming here and stargazing with Soonyoung had been a regular thing last summer and he had loved to talk about how much he adored the moon and had often told you stories of the many Roman myths that were associated with the sky. 

Jihoon had lived for those little impromptu adventures and he had cherished those memories above all else. When the two of them were here, spread out on the rocks and staring up at the vast collection of lustrous and gleaming objects, Jihoon could convince himself that they were the only ones in the world. 

And maybe, just maybe Soonyoung could feel the same way. 

Jihoon makes his way over towards the edge of the cliff and dangles his head over the overhang, peering down into the rocky abyss below. The waves are crashing against the cliffside, creating a torrent of water that would have, on any other day, looked forbidding and dangerous, but now looked so inviting and welcoming. Jihoon could almost hear the water calling to him, which he knew sounded ridiculous, but was true. 

It almost seemed as if it was telling Jihoon you to jump; to come and join the endless supply of ocean that spread out across the entire world.

It seemed to be telling him that if he did jump, everything would be okay again. Those long, torturous months of heartbreak could be forgotten and the eternal cycle of roses falling from his lips would finally be done. 

He would no longer need to see Soonyoung in a constant state of bliss as he frolicked along happily with the love of his life- eyes shining with happiness as he stared at that girl Jihoon didn’t even know the name of.  
Jihoon could forget the look Soonyoung gave her, pure adoration and adulation pouring out of every crevice of his body, and the way he looked utterly spellbound every time she spoke, as if she was the one who hung the sun in the sky every morning and the moon every night. 

Jihoon could forget all the nights he had cried himself to sleep over the fact that Soonyoung couldn’t be his, and it was at that point that it was all becoming too much. It felt right to end the pain and suffering Jihoon had been feeling, because he knew that forgetting how to love Soonyoung would be impossible. 

Jihoon knew he was being selfish. He knew that he was leaving behind a beloved brother and a mother. He knew they would be devastated. He knew that he would be leaving behind Hansol, the person that had served as his primary source of comfort the past couple of days. 

But worst of all Jihoon would be leaving behind Soonyoung- and he knew that if he left, Soonyoung would lose his best friend of seventeen years. He knew that it would crush him, not the way it was hurting him, but it would definitely be damaging. 

But Jihoon didn’t deserve this. He didn’t deserve to be in pain for the rest of his life because of Soonyoung, because of love. 

Love was supposed to be this beautiful thing and it was only causing him pain. Jihoon deserved to be happy. He had put up with it for long enough and he couldn’t even start to fathom what it would do to him in the future if it was this painful right now.  
What happened if Soonyoung asked her to marry him? What would happen if Jihoon had to watch them grow old together, still throwing up multitudes of flowers, because it was all unrequited?

No he couldn’t do that. 

Jihoon wouldn’t survive that. 

So now that Jihoon's standing here, on the edge of the cliff, hair stuck to his face from the rain, he made a split second decision and realized that he had always wondered what it would feel like to fly. 

So he jumped and prayed for some sort of relief.


End file.
